Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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