u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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