Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
