i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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