Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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