Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
