i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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