Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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