i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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