Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
