I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
