seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
