Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
