while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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