Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
