i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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