I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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