Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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