I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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