I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
