I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
