Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
