Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
