Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
