you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
