Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
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