a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
