So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
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Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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