Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
