I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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