Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
