he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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