i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
