Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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