Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
