Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize