way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
