Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
