I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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