I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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