i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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