The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
