I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize