I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
