we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
