Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
