he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
