If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
