my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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