Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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