i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
we're making bets on your personal life
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
