So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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