I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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