oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize