Don't make out with my wife yet
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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