Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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