Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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