So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
